Christmas Weekend
I hope y’all had a most lovely Christmas weekend! I always love this time of year and am so grateful that I got to celebrate the birth of Christ with loved ones. We had many of my family members gathered in our home for the holiday festivities. It was special to be surrounded by so many of my favorite people, but this was actually a really hard Christmas for me. Our little five month old baby had croup all weekend which made for some long nights. It’s so hard to watch your little ones be so sick! Most of us in the house were getting over sore throats and coughs, and Matthew has been recovering from a nasty virus. The hardest part for me was being stuck in a horrible “What-If” cycle. Now that it’s over, I’m feeling reflective.
A.N.T’s
I’m not talking about the little black bugs that like to intrude on picnics. I’m talking about “Automatic Negative Thoughts.” The unwarranted, unwanted, nasty thoughts that pop into our heads leaving us questioning and worrying about every little thing. This weekend was filled with so many ANT’s that I felt almost immobilized. I couldn’t even put into words to help my family understand what I was going through, but I felt as though my world was crumbling. “What if this was our last Christmas together for a few years.” “What if, next Christmas, I’m alone again.” “I know Christ lived and died to make all things right, but how could being apart be anything but wrong, and how could that possibly be for my Good?” Let’s just say, I was a not so hot mess!
Pending Charges
Matthew’s pending criminal charges in Daviess county are constantly on my mind. There are so many What-If’s and unknowns. Every time I pray about the situation, I remember the scripture Doctrine and Covenants 6:23 that says, “Did I not speak peace to your mind concerning the matter? What greater witness can you have than from God?” I feel God telling me to be at peace, but my human tendency is to worry and be afraid.
A Moment of Peace
The picture above is the last photo that Matthew and I took together before his arrest in June. I remember thinking in that moment how good life was. In fact, life seemed perfect. I was weeks away from giving birth to our first baby together, we had just been sealed in the Kansas City Temple, our relationship was solid, and we were so happy! We were experiencing a moment of complete peace. Then Matthew got arrested. It shook everything up! It was the ultimate test. Nothing could ever change our love and commitment to each other, but suddenly nothing felt safe. We realized how short life is and how quickly it can change.
Taking Life for Granted
While Matthew was in jail, we were able to message each other and he could call me. I giggled whenever I received a message like these from him because I knew that the jail had to approve the message before it could be sent. I hope they had fun reading messages between two hopelessly in love eternal newlyweds! As strange as it sounds, our time apart took our relationship from “great” to “unconditional.” We now understand what it means to be apart. In a huge way, we lost each other for a few days, and it was horrible!!!!! But God used this experience to teach us that we were taking each other and our extremely blessed life for granted. He asked us to learn to find peace and generate clarity where it seems that there is none.
Epic Fail
It would be fair to say that this weekend was an epic fail at finding peace and generating clarity. As I was up in the middle of the night with Thomas helping him fall back asleep, I felt compelled to repent and try again. So I humbled myself, said a long pray, recommitted, cried a bit, and went back to bed feeling a renewed hope in life and where we are at. I did not wake up with all the answers, nor did I wake up to all my problems being taken away. But I did wake up with peace, and the reminder to have faith. Life is so short, and while I can’t have a mulligan on Christmas, I can have today.
The Sun Did Come Up!
Happy Monday, Everyone! The sun came up right on time, I am filled with hope, and ready for a great week. It’s the last week of 2021, so lets make it a great one.
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